as usual, i am fighting my dominant inclinations to do whatever pops into my head at the moment, versus doing what that tiny, way-too-quiet but increasingly annoying voice in my head expects me to do. read blogs or fold my laundry? add new music to my playlist or clean my kitchen? spend hours and hours (how'd that happen? what happened to "i'm just going to spend 15 minutes") learning how to edit html, or pay my bills? daydream about my motorcycle class in the spring or plan my europe trip?
i think what we have here, folks, is an acute case of winter blues distraction with a co-morbidity of procrastination. or is it just a lack of concentration? who knows, but it seems that it is a recurring issue that always leaves me feeling slightly guilty. what happened to being able to play on saturdays? i'm so busy/exhausted/burned out during the week that vegging out is the culmination of my week day, so my saturdays are usually greatly anticipated: i'm going to clean my house this weekend! or finally join a gym again! or, even better, THIS weekend, i'm FINALLY going to exacavate my desk from the towering pile of papers and file my taxes.
but how does my saturday usually go instead? sleep in an hour or two, get a massage, come home, check my email/blogs/interesting website of the moment (just for minute--then I HAVE to pay my bills), continue checking out that website, reading blogs, finding more blogs, discovering new music, posting new posts on my blog, reformatting my blog (wait a second, shoot! that just took 2 hours!--now i REALLY have to get in gear), start some laundry, realize i need to go to the store, end up shopping longer than i intended, blow off all my other sensible plans and meet up with some friends. then come home again to realize my house is still in chaos and i have plans for the evening. bummer.
but, wait! today, the predictable, typical late winter/early spring seattle day (why is it only sunny while i'm at work and rain all weekend?) WILL BE DIFFERENT! i will triumph!
well, at least, i'll clean my front room.
on a more serious note, as i write this, i am pondering the phenomena that is my procrastination/guilt complex. maybe i just need to readjust my expectations of self: discontent breeds when expectations of reality exceed present conditions. contentedness, for me, involves recognizing/accepting that whatever i'm doing right now, is exactly what i should be doing.
wish me luck!
1 day ago