i as i and not as we

jogging today (and last week) has been one balm that soothes the soul--a time to reflect, meditate, ponder, muse, cogitate, growl, stand back, contemplate, release, decide, refresh. accompanied by random selections on my ipod, some songs resonate on certain days along with the weather and my run goes smoothly. other days, each step is a struggle and only constant mental vigilance keeps each foot pounding the pavement and all thoughts are overwhelmed in the sheer physical demand on my body.

taking my new shoes out for their inaugural run tonight, the sky was glowering and threatening rain, the lake was whipped into steely-gray chop, the gray rain-laden clouds chasing each other across the sky in front of the wind. heedless of the potential downpour, out i went, ipod shuffle pinned to my shoulder, anticipating a struggle as i hadn't run since last saturday. to my surprise, the rain held off, the shoes performed admirably and the tunes kept matching my mood. how much better life felt when i stopped to look out over the lily pads, saw the ducklings feed, the turtles 'sunning' sans-sun on their logs--and lo, behold, the late-slanted sun made a peek-a-boo appearance through the trees onto the bay--the beauty nearly took my breath away (what little breath i had left from running, that is). wishing i had my camera, i concentrated on fixing the image in my mind, hoping it remains. time will tell.

i'm dusting myself off this week. some of you know, and many may have guessed, that my whirlwind of the last couple weeks has ended rather abruptly. ouch. in retrospect, i knew this was a possibility (the ending part) but it's the 'abruptly' part that stings and lingers. and frankly, i think i'd fallen harder than i wanted to admit to myself at the time--it all seemed so surreal and fast and incomprehensible. this new 'development' has taken awhile to sink in and process--i think i may have only accepted it today.

at least i am discovering how resilient i can be, once again.