14 hrs and one year

suddenly awake, cold sweat
remnants, dreams lingering
past loves, places visited, unseen,
brilliant-plumaged large birds
confusion now afternoon
dreams surrender to wakefulness

realization
one year
blurred, unlived
gone forever, wasted, too late?

present reclamation
reassuring voices
wrapped in love
change
forward
hope
in hand

wool-gathering

what is it that makes milk & oreos completely irresistable?
staying at home sounds fantastic when i am work, but not so great when i'm stuck at home with the flu.
white collar is pulling me in.
the snuffling of a baby sleeping is perhaps one of the best sounds in the world.
curbside take-away is a wonderful invention.
hot shower + clean sheets = bliss

universal domination

in leaving a product suggestion for a big brand (to remain nameless), i noticed the following statement in the obligatory disclosure-legalese:

"{Corporation X} shall exclusively own all now known or hereafter existing rights to the suggestions of every kind and nature throughout the Universe"

not just the world, nor the solar system, nor our galaxy. shoot for the stars!

good morning, starshine

the moment my eyes opened, i knew it was early. i couldn't see the clock, but i felt it. darkness and silence. i couldn't quite place my finger on it, at first.

birdsong.

i've already become used to it, this trilling companion to my alarm, most mornings. and this morning? so early the birds weren't even up yet.

my alarm has yet to go off, and i've already been awake for an hour. and that's ok, today.

mischief

source

i slept in a little bit this morning. dreamland and a comfortable pillow laid claim upon my slumber for several more hours than usual. that is, until a mischievous little sunbeam stole through my blinds, across my pillow and landed, tickling, on my eyelids, playfully flickering through the blossoming tree waving in the springtime breeze this early saturday morning. waking with a smile (and the sun) on my face is much more pleasant than my usual companions of darkness and the insistent unrelenting beep of my early morning alarm.

i took the unusual liberty of laying abed awhile--i hadn't planned on waking for at least another hour. picking up my book that lay open beside me from last night, i quickly lost myself in its pages and visited far off lands of beauty that echoed that of my morning. too quickly the pages ran out, and i closed the book with a sigh. reality beckons, but the deliciousness of this morning still lingers with me.

after the dreariness of the nonstop downpour of rain and snow this week, the freshness of the spring blossoms and sunshine beg to be bottled, later distilled, diamond drop by drop, during the tedious days of still-winter that are sure to follow.

in the meantime, i'll take myself out today and breathe some fresh air, wander a little, visit a little, listen a lot, ponder and muse, geo-cache a little and maybe even spring-clean a little.

the best laid plans o' mice & men

i meant to put my christmas decorations up tonight.

really.

what with christmas music saturating the airwaves, neighborhoods twinkling in multi-colored lights, peppermint hot chocolate and huge baskets of goodies from vendors at work, one is powerless to resist the beckoning call of long-boxed christmas ornaments languishing in the closet, right?

sadly, reality instead consists of 'happy halloween' blocks still parading across my mantle, ghosts & goblins co-mingling with the half-unpacked christmas angels on my tv armoire, and good intentions squashed by 27 hours of frenetic work already under my belt this week. methinks there's a little seasonal confusion going on here.

perhaps tomorrow will find halloween banished & christmas happily reigning.

perhaps. perhaps. perhaps.

wordy wednesday (and it's all right)

steering wheel freezing, chilly fog and heavy traffic in my morning commute did not bode a promising start to my final day before Thanksgiving vacation (oh blessed 4-day weekend!). listlessly flipping on the radio, i hoped John in the Morning would weave his usual magic on KEXP and enlighten my day with some new (to me, at least) discovery.

without fail, john delivered: peter broderick's track followed on the tail of radiohead, fleet foxes, eddie vedder and simon & garfunkel. a fine mix for this somewhat lackluster start of a morning, peter's track "and it's all right" begged to be shared with you. clickety-click here for a listen-loo.

with the promise of a few days of pies, turkey, nieces, family, reading, visiting old friends, sleeping, shopping and relaxing ahead of me, today is getting better by the second.

happy thanksgiving eve, everyone!

crickets

or, rather, birdsong on the autumn air outside my window, the smell of my neighbor's bbq wafting in on smoky breeze, the poignant silence from the absent family that lived downstairs until sunday took them to new adventures. simple soundtrack to a mellow evening. it's been awhile since i've updated you, dear reader, on the adventures of erica, but frankly, i don't have anything witty, or inspiring, or exciting to share. unfortunately for you, i feel like writing anyway. i won't hold it against you if your attention wanders to more engrossing arenas.

my run went better today. that's a start. yesterday's was a painful reminder that i've been neglecting my newly acquired habit; lead feet and mediocre songs exacerbated an already distracted mind. however, run i did. at least the struggle of that run centered my flitting thoughts in one focused beam of physical perseverance. i fell into bed last night, more sleepy than i'd been in awhile. with the relative ease of today's run and the memories of a beautiful pre-sunset evening run by the lake to keep me company, sleep should find me a ready participant tonight.

it continues to surprise me how life can be such a dynamic, will-'o'-the wisp experience. one week finds me expecting the next week to continue down a certain path; bewilderingly, the next week may find me someplace completely different than i had anticipated. while the uncertainty and wonder of the subtle transition from future to present has held some serendipitous surprises as well as some staggering disappointments, i find myself wishing, for the moment, i could see a little farther ahead.

regardless of my lack of foresight, i find i am continually blessed with new opportunities to refine myself, my ideas, my beliefs and my core as each experience is assimilated and i am held to measure--a painful and joyous continual evolution of self-discovery. i must say, that this future/present/past has been far different than what i would've pictured for myself.

right now, the puzzle that makes up my life feels like some bits and pieces are missing here and there. while i'm reconciling myself to those bits that remain out of my control, i'm slowly searching for those pieces that i can meld into place. decisions await and reluctance is dominant at the moment as i slowly gather my courage and my wits.

in the meantime, i've had some wonderful weekends and breathtaking moments of beauty that sparkle in each day. i wish my mind was somehow digitized and i could download the pictures of these last couple weeks to share them with you. the sun on my face and the sound of the water lapping the boat as i lazed on the river with my parents this past weekend. the elements of design found in the builder's parade of homes i visited with my mom, the pride i felt as her house swept almost all of the awards at the ceremony last friday night. the comfort of a father's blessing and the safety of family. the joy of birthdays celebrated for good friends, laughter and conversation keeping good company. the view of mt. adams and mt. rainier in the crystal clear sky on both legs of the journey across washington state.

a night out with the girls at the triple door 2 weeks ago, noah's wonderful lyrics and beautiful voice pairing well with the delicious food, followed the next morning by introducing 2 good friends to the wonders of saturday brunch at maltby cafe. the decadent luxury of mid-day movie watching, a meandering walk through the neighborhood with impulsive gathering of the season's first plump, juicy blackberries. stolen nap on that afternoon and dinner and another movie. sisters, bro-in-laws and nieces all gathered for sunday dinner. nate coming to my rescue with a replacement headlight. watching my niece, emma, truly walk for the first time (and applaud herself for it, too!). it's been a good summer, hasn't it?

i as i and not as we

jogging today (and last week) has been one balm that soothes the soul--a time to reflect, meditate, ponder, muse, cogitate, growl, stand back, contemplate, release, decide, refresh. accompanied by random selections on my ipod, some songs resonate on certain days along with the weather and my run goes smoothly. other days, each step is a struggle and only constant mental vigilance keeps each foot pounding the pavement and all thoughts are overwhelmed in the sheer physical demand on my body.

taking my new shoes out for their inaugural run tonight, the sky was glowering and threatening rain, the lake was whipped into steely-gray chop, the gray rain-laden clouds chasing each other across the sky in front of the wind. heedless of the potential downpour, out i went, ipod shuffle pinned to my shoulder, anticipating a struggle as i hadn't run since last saturday. to my surprise, the rain held off, the shoes performed admirably and the tunes kept matching my mood. how much better life felt when i stopped to look out over the lily pads, saw the ducklings feed, the turtles 'sunning' sans-sun on their logs--and lo, behold, the late-slanted sun made a peek-a-boo appearance through the trees onto the bay--the beauty nearly took my breath away (what little breath i had left from running, that is). wishing i had my camera, i concentrated on fixing the image in my mind, hoping it remains. time will tell.

i'm dusting myself off this week. some of you know, and many may have guessed, that my whirlwind of the last couple weeks has ended rather abruptly. ouch. in retrospect, i knew this was a possibility (the ending part) but it's the 'abruptly' part that stings and lingers. and frankly, i think i'd fallen harder than i wanted to admit to myself at the time--it all seemed so surreal and fast and incomprehensible. this new 'development' has taken awhile to sink in and process--i think i may have only accepted it today.

at least i am discovering how resilient i can be, once again.

moments

i love those little moments that materialize out of nowhere--you know, those quiet, 'eureka' moments--when you realize your crummy day has turned itself around and suddenly, surprisingly, you realize that at this moment in time you are happy.

maybe it was the interesting conversations i had at fhe. maybe it was the sense of accomplishment from completing one of 3 visiting teaching appointments. maybe it was the mint chocolate chip ice cream sandwich that accompanied said conversations at fhe. maybe it was the sunset during the drive home (at 9pm! i love living this far north), all pink, gold, blue and purple.maybe it was the cool summer evening breeze through my car windows. maybe it was the glimpse of the hot air balloon hovering over the farm field in the valley near my house. maybe it was the song on the radio.

maybe, just maybe, it was all of the above, coalescing together in one pure moment of consciousness.

at least the sadness and frustration and stress of the day has been banished, for a time. i can relish right now, refreshed, and face it all again tomorrow.

i have triumphed

my indecision was vanquished with a vengeance.

dinner: grilled chicken roulade (my first attempt)--one with goat cheese and pesto, another with Havarti, dill & chives. i threw an avocado on the grill for good measure. mmmm.

having now examined said 'decision', maybe indecision just morphed instead of surrendering--2 types of chicken? and now i can't decide which i liked better. . .i'll never win, i guess.

but my tummy is happy, and my guilt is overthrown. now if i can just snap my fingers and have the chaos that is now my kitchen and grill disappear--mary poppins, where are you?

time travel

my ipod player is on random shuffle all songs. funny thing is, songs keep coming on that i haven't heard in ages. those songs that instantly transport me back in time to a certain place or time or feeling.

third eye blind, sting, everclear ~ that summer of living with monica in the pines between my freshman and sophomore year at school. it was the quintessential summer: a large group of guys & girls, lots of fun and flirting and outdoor movies involving projectors, couches hauled in by pickup truck and 'watcher in the woods' in a dark park in provo. long walks in the warm summer nights, my friend dale drumming the air with his fists as he sings along to some 3eb song. still makes me smile. sleeping on rea's couch after a long night talking with rea, mama, lisa and hillary.

rem's automatic for the people, trash can sinatras, toad the wet sprocket, kings of convenience, sarah mclachlan, dido, travis~ walking to the coolest tree in provo with thom, whom i had a desperate crush on but wasn't just quite as desperate about me as it turns out. spending time in his quiet white old apartment listening to bands play in the bar down below or debating which was better: louis armstrong's voice or his trumpet. becoming an unwilling witness/participant in a crazy love quadrangle. walking away later as the snow fell that one evening towards my car parked down on center street. wow, i was young. one of the hardest, transient, painful and beautiful summers of my college years. the summer of napster.

josh groban, dayna's mix of the women of country, and of course, neil diamond~discovering country was only one of the crazy wonderful things of that magical summer in millrace. friendships forged in that 'family' have stood the test of time. long walks and drives with dayna, scripture reading and long talks with shanna, flirting and forming friendships with the boys of #11 (i'm so glad eric & nathan have weathered all the ensuing storms since then and continue to talk to me :) recovering from betrayal by a friend of 10 years, wading through the court system as i learned what it meant to be 'a victim of a violent crime' and searching my heart for forgiveness. losing touch with those closest to the both of us as i relinquished them to her to protect my heart. finding new friends that the whole experience literally brought to my doorstep. . .i will be forever grateful dayna and shanna knocked on my door. homestarrunner.com, veggie tales, the nightmare before christmas and murder in the dark at the thorpe's. ice cats hockey games, choir at the phillips, visiting my "spot" overlooking the provo temple and the valley.

operation get skippy, 311's amber, hoobastank's the reason ~ that summer with jules in millrace. her fierce protection of me when mindy refused to relinquish the mailkey broke the ice and began our friendship. driving back late at night from keri's place with the windows rolled down, blasting hoobastank and singing at the top of our lungs. my (unsuccessful) attempts trying to deflect josh's sentiment and encourage only his confidence.

james taylor~ two concerts, the 2nd a terrible mistake of taking someone who should've appreciated it and me and what it meant after the fun of installing electrical outlets in the basement of the house he was redoing and painting his living room with him and his roommates, among other things. silly girl.

interpol, franz ferdinand, +/- ~ the irony of moving into his ward a year later. movie night at clayton's house. ward prayer in the coolest meeting house i'd ever been in. janelle, jake, joy & jules in the old south provo house.

rascal flatts & martina mcbride ~ i discovered them right before that fateful day in february when jason died. crying in my car all the way down from sundance to massage therapy school after eric broke the news. attending his funeral and feeling the joy of his life. driving up to sundance in the spring that followed, loving every minute of the scenery and wondering what was going to develop with mike.

kalai, the village soundtrack ~ moving on later that summer. graduating from massage therapy school, buying my condo and learning about modern dance from joy. the decision to move here to seattle. to leave paradise behind. i still miss sundance nearly every day.

i'd think i'd better turn off the ipod before this jog down memory lane takes the rest of the day. it still astonishes me how music manages to do that to me. instant time transport. but so glad the memories remain in all their joy and pain.

shh.

this sunday morning has been blessedly quiet. serene, almost. while i live in an apartment, residual noise notwithstanding, the calm of my own place is pervasive. the squeal of children playing faintly penetrates my awareness, effectively increasing my contentedness as it reminds i am alone, but not isolated.

lately, i've been contemplating the subtleties of alone vs. lonely, separate but not isolated. i'm not quite sure what began this pensitivity, but there it is.

just me: i can lie on my couch this morning, staring out the window watching the clouds flirt with the sunshine and thoughts flit across my consciousness. i've satisfied my blog craving by catching up all on the recent posts of the friends or strangers whose thoughts and lives send light into my soul.

but wait, it's time to prepare for church. . .i'll have to resume this pontification later.

for you

my life continues to astonish and amaze me. just when i think i've gotten into a rhythm and established my "sea-legs" something new comes along and shakes my very foundation. oddly enough, it is usually bittersweet--the good is definitely mixed in with the bad. but each time one of these events occurs that causes me to ponder a little deeper and appreciate the sweet fragility of my existence, my daily experiences, my assumptions and my affirmations, i end up a little breathless, a little scared, a little flummoxed, a little exhilarated and ultimately wiser and grateful for each new day. what do i exist for except to evolve?

bittersweet

rifling through some old photos and i stumble across a few that catch me by surprise. how could i have forgotten about that time? how poignant the memories of being in love, the pain that followed, and the hope that i can go through it yet one more time, minus the painful ending. what do you do when you miss someone you most likely will never see again?


wherever you are i hope you're doing well.

here today

after many weeks of silence, i am once again casting my thoughts into the void. who knows if anybody really is reading this. if so, welcome to this brief window into my mind. i'll let you catch just a glimpse.

it'll be a week tomorrow since i've had my surgery. while not in any way catastrophic, i must concede that it has been life-changing. well, maybe just thought-provoking. when forced to desist from working and sleeping comfortably and lifting anything heavier than 10 lbs (which is practically EVERYTHING), my thoughts distill from the frenetic energy that is my daily life and i'm left with the crystalline reflections, the residual clarity of examining me: my motives, my dreams, my wants, my inspirations.

from the center of this stillness it seems impossible to return to what my life is and has been. and then the shadows and the whispers of the obligations, the needs and realities of merely existing serve to remind me of why i chose the way my life is right now. thus diverted my attention is then claimed by the other precious and indispensible blessings of my life as i know it. it is really possible to be this undecided and content at the same time?

the flux continues.

houston, we have a problem

i pose the question: deep impact or armageddon?

some would say deep impact; i favor armageddon (maybe because that was the FIRST hollywood earth-destroying-life-nullifying meteor-on collision-course-with-earth epic i saw that summer of '98)

how about this food for thought? "If Hollywood can pony up a quarter of a billion in the name of defending our planet, why can't Congress?" yeah. think about that.

listen, can you hear mr. movietone's voice? "Friday the 13th of April 2029 could be a very unlucky day for planet Earth. At 4:36 am Greenwich Mean Time, a 25-million-ton, 820-ft.-wide asteroid called 99942 Apophis will slice across the orbit of the moon and barrel toward Earth at more than 28,000 mph. The huge pockmarked rock, two-thirds the size of Devils Tower in Wyoming, will pack the energy of 65,000 Hiroshima bombs -- enough to wipe out a small country or kick up an 800-ft. tsunami."

the premise: scientists have discovered a gargantuan rock hurtling towards our atmosphere on a course aimed for collision in 2029. no, it's not armageddon II or deep impact II (though hollywood's love affair with pointless sequals may not prevent its probability); i DID NOT make this up: a recent article in Popular Mechanics presents the case for the end of life as we know it.

friday the 13th. really.

will bruce willis still be available?